bigpimpinmba's Diaryland Diary

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Shit-Cago

An entry that I started writing well over a year ago... It's kind of crappy and immature, but it makes me giggle a little.

Windy

I’m back and have recently travelled to the Windy City. Many people are under the preconceived notion that Chicago is named the windy city because of the weather and the gale force winds that form on Lake Michigan and blow into town. I need to blow the lid off of this ridiculous farce unknown to people outside of the so-called Second City (I’ll get to that in a minute)

Anyone who has flown through Chicago’s O’Hare or Midway airports are already well-aware of the effects that deep dish pizza and air travel have on the bathrooms in Chicago. Dear Lord, the sounds being emitted from the stalls of Chi-Town are inhuman. I actually thought that I had accidentally stumbled through a time/space portal into a slaughterhouse. What the hell is going on in the Midwest that could produce such a horrifying combination of sound and smell?

The name Windy City was actually the result of one of Irvin Gaslowski’s legendary binges on his favorite deep dish sausage wrap from Ed’s Butchery and Deep Dish Emporium in the South Loop. The resultant perfect storm of flatulence is well documented in the Guinness Book of Turd Records, which was discontinued in 1964 after poor circulation. Neighbors and visitors in the area decided that it was physically impossible for a person to create such voluminous quantity of gas and decided it must be the wind causing such a ruckus.

The name Second City, once thought to be a name derived from the fact that Chicago had the second largest population in the United States, is actually another casualty of the Midwest and their indulgences. “Second City” is more of a reference to the “other” meaning of “Number 2”. In 1912, Deputy Mayoral Assistant Marge Flabnikov (daughter of Russian immigrants and butchers, Stan and Irena Flabnikov) had the idea to create the world’s largest “Pickled Meats and Malodorous Cheese Street Festival” to boost tourism. The festival was more than a success than the planners could have imagined, with attendees travelling from the furthest reaches of the Midwest, hoping to find the pickled meats and malodorous cheeses from their native lands that they hadn’t been able to sample since leaving their homes for a better life in America.

Most of the immigrant visitors to the fair had been removed from their normal diets of their homelands and weaned to a more Grain-based diet of North Americans. This mixing of diets had a catastrophic effect that nobody had anticipated. The combination of bacteria in the malodorous cheeses, combined with the wheat-based diets started a chain reaction of fermentation in the digestive systems of the participants. Fermentation, by itself, can be well tolerated by the human small intestines. However, when combined with the pickled meats, some of which were not cooked appropriately, caused a run on the bathrooms of Chicago which could not be handled by the sewage system, causing massive clogging and overflow. The entire city smelled, in no uncertain terms, like shit. The stench of the city earned it the name of Shitty City.

Politicians, horrified about the renaming of their city in such unflattering terms, began a campaign to change the nickname of the city to something somewhat more palatable. It was a young Junior Senator, Mickey Delrooney, from the South Side who made the connection between Shit and the Number 2 to push for the rebranding of the city’s image as the Second City. The city council all decided that it would be much better to be known as the Second City and unanimously decided to slander anyone who used the term “Shitty City” to the point where they would have to move to Gary, Indiana. And we all know what happened to THAT town…. Case closed.

Don’t get me started on “AIR” Jordan…. I digress….

-Pimp

10:48 p.m. - 2010-07-13

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