bigpimpinmba's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Come along and ride on my fantastic voyage Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-huh? Greetings from Dall-ass Tex-ass. Or, I should say from the plane leaving Dallas for Cincinnati, Ohio and on to Dayton, Ohio! Onward and upward! What�s up with the ass-ification of Dallas, you might ask? It�s not so much that I have any problem with Dallas. It�s more a function of the amount of ass that goes along with it�. Swamp Ass Sweating my Ass off Tortilla soup working its way out my ass. Let�s go back to the painful beginning. My day started at 3:15 AM with the alarm telling me to get my ass out of bed because I had a 6:00 AM flight out of Newark, NJ and I live about 1 hour and 15 minutes away. FUN!!!! I actually got to the airport with plenty of time, so I�m taking my time, getting my Egg McMuffin meal and then decide to try to head over to the gate, where I find a bathroom for a very important meeting, thinking that I am still comfortably ahead of schedule. So, I make myself good and comfortable in my meeting, taking my time. Then, I�m rudely interrupted by the voice from the speaker over my head, saying, �Final Boarding call for Delta Flight 734946037 with service to Cincinnati and on to San Fransisco. All passengers, please go to the gate immediately for departure.� Needless to say, things in the meeting got a little tense and we tried to wrap things up realquicklike. Then, the voice over my head had the nerve to demand that I, Mr. Bigpimp, personally head over to the gate for departure. The bastards called me out of the meeting. This made my client incredibly angry to be rushed out and brushed aside, but I had to make my flight. The nice gate attendant must have known that I was in an important meeting because she saw me come sprinting out of my makeshift office and saw the sweat pouring off of my face. She understood the pressure that my client was putting on me, so she gave me a half smile, grabbed my boarding pass with 2-foot long tongs, slapped me on the ass and sent me down the little tunnel to my awaiting chariot. The flight to Cincinnati and the flight to Dallas were very thankfully quite uneventful, or at least I can�t think of anything too amusing to tell you about. Met up with my coworker at the airport for a meeting with a big military contractor who shall not be named, trying to get a little business for our little company. The meeting went pretty well, thank you very much. Anyway, I am very disappointed with my time in Dallas for a few reasons: 1. I only saw 3 people with cowboy hats. In Texas. What? 3? 2. I saw ZERO people wearing cowboy boots. Atrocious 3. Aside from on pictures I saw a grand total of ZERO real live cows/ steers. 4. I ate no steak and had no barbeque. This is probably my own fault, but upsetting nevertheless. 5. I saw lots of pickup trucks, but not one gun rack. 6. Nobody shot anything and nobody danced around while shooting their guns in the air. 7. I only heard Y�All once. ONCE! 8. Prolific swamp-ass. That feeling don�t leave you for the rest of the day. Mmmm. 9. All of the people I met only had one first name. No Billy-Bobs, Bobby-Joes, etc. And not a single Cletus. 10. I went into a pawn shop and didn�t see the gimp. Dallas is a hot, flat bitch. Lots of flat land and lots of hot. That�s apparently how the Texans like things. Who the hell chooses to live in these hell-on-earth conditions? A few things I did see: 1. Lots of signs with either a Longhorn or a picture of the State of Texas in them. OK. I get it. We�re in Texas. No need to beat me about the face and neck with this idea. Thanks for the reinforcement, though. 2. A highway that was named for the Commander in Chief, Dubbya. I�m a relatively conservative Republican, but I�ve got to give Junior Bush a bit of grief for having a toll road. Couldn�t he fork over a few of his millions to get the tolls off of his road? C�mon George! Help a brutha out. 3. Lots of really tall women with some relatively big hair. It�s like they are breeding some sort of Amazon women that stopped evolving style-wise during a Poison concert in 1986. Un-Skinny BOP! Bop-bop-bop. All night and day. Rock on ladies. Rock on. 4. I saw more Hooters restaurants per linear mile of highway than I really thought was possible. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing. It�s the wings. Mmmmm wings. Big, voluptuous wings. 5. Seriously. I didn�t see any cows, but I did see a horse spontaneously combust in the heat. I had a 7:00 flight out of DFW to go to Cincinnati and on to Dayton. Me being the dumbass I am, I forgot to print out the name of the hotel that I was staying at when I got to Dayton at midnight. So, I figured�. Hmmm�. There�s all these here advertisements for wireless internet and I�ve got one of them wireless internet aircards for my computer, so I should be able to work this out. WRONG! The connection would come up in the window for my aircard, but the friggin Virgin Mobile connection would not let me connect to pay my $10 for about 45 minutes of use. So, I was relegated to using one of the awful Internet kiosks to connect sans laptop. I think that the keyboard was ripped straight out of the old Atari computer system. Very modern. This kiosk, marvel of technology that it is, makes you insert your credit card and leave it in there until you are finished with the session. This I did. When they call my flight, I log off and gather my things and head onto the plane. And ended up leaving the @$#@ credit card right there in that GD kiosk. I am so brilliant. Of course, I don�t notice that my stupid ass has left the card there until I am paying for my rental car in Dayton, Ohio, which is not really that close to Dallas, Texas. Shitters! Not a huge deal, but just an inconvenience. God actually smiled down on me for this lapse in judgement because the entire flight from Dallas to Cincinnati was completely full. Except for the seat next to me! Sometimes that supreme deity is all right. This was one of those times. We get into Cincinnati and there is a slight delay in our flight to Dayton. I�ve got a little more than an hour to kill, so I think to myself, �Man, I�d love to have one of them there frozen coffeedunkachinofrappes from Starbucks.� My next thought is on the more rational side, �Hey fat ass, do you know how many calories are in even the Svelte size?� Fat ass answered, �Not exactly sure, but I�m guessing a lot. I need something sweet, though. Stat. Better move quick before I order the Frapamochalatte for us.� I look over and see a frozen yogurt joint and decide that a better choice would be a small cup of the twist and splurge for the chocolate sprinkles to keep my inner Fat Ass happy. Good idea. Everybody wins. Finish up my yogurt, which wasn�t too bad, and start typing in this entry that you are reading right now and have the friggin batteries die on me and lose about a page of progress. Autosave apparently didn�t work so good. @$*@(@$$@!!!!!!! I look down to see what the real cost of my decision for yogurt is. Oh yeah. A GIANT stain of chocolate on my nice, white dress shirt. It�s like Poppa Smurf was hanging out in my breast pocket and chewed up some of my chocolate sprinkles and simply let them dribble down his chin onto my shirt. I am one smooth bastard. After what you just read, I really have no right to write what I am about to write. (can I say write any more?) As I�m getting ready to get on the plane, I look over to see this dim-looking jackass reading Michael Moore�s �Stupid White Men.� My opinion is that anyone seriously reading Michael Moore in the first place is probably not the brightest, but I am obviously quite biased as a Republican. However, this guy was a mess, regardless of what author he was reading. He had floods on, his hair was akin to Kramer�s and he had on something along the lines of a striped shirt and plaid jacket. My inner Martha Stewart was having a field day. This would have been one of those pictures that everyone would have been passing around the internet to their friends. I�m not kidding. It was that funny. I wish I could show you all. These are the times that I wish I had one of those camera-phone thingies. I am, however, extremely reluctant to carry around cameras on my sales calls because I am visiting several defense contractors who are quite touchy about these types of things. I�ve got to get to my next meeting with an unnamed, big military contractor, so perhaps I�ll have more to tell later on my trip of fun. �� Random notes� Got out of my meeting and took a ride in this guy�s car. He�s got XM radio. With Opie and Anthony going to XM Radio, I was considering it, but I think I might be sold now. Quite awesome. I�m putting my vote in for Impala as my favorite rental car. Good power. Comfortable. Nice. Nothing really hysterical happened on the rest of my trip, so I�ll bid you adieu. Buh-Bye. Which part didn�t you understand? The Buh? Or the Bye? Buh-Bye. 6:05 p.m. - 2004-08-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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