bigpimpinmba's Diaryland Diary
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I'm not a big fan of bikers and spandex
Please allow me to rant�
I live in New Jersey. That said, I like to take some back roads on my way home from work instead of using the suicidal interstate highways. Although it actually takes a little longer to take the back roads, I use them for a few reasons:
1. It�s a really pretty ride along a canal with lots of trees and sometimes a fuzzy creature or two.
2. The volume of cars on these back roads is significantly less than the volume of cars on major interstates, which makes that vein in my forehead throb slightly less.
3. I enjoy the games of chicken with cars coming at me in the other direction, since several of the roads I take are barely meant for one car, let alone two angry drivers passing each other.
4. To see the horrified look on the faces of the bicycle riders as I come screaming up the narrow roads toward them in my truck. I like to see the little dark spot form in the crotch of their ridiculously tight biker shorts as they panic. Gets me going�
Many readers may have some choice words for me for that last statement and may be more sympathetic to the plight of the spandex-shorted lot. Unfortunately for the pedal-powered people, I am not one of the folks that have much sympathy for bikers and their lower sperm counts.
I don�t blame these people for wanting to ride their bikes on these very pretty roads. They should simply know that they should not do it anywhere where I have to drive to get home from work during rush hour. They should know that this is prime-time for BIGPIMPIN�S patented New Jersey road rage. Argghhh.
As you can tell from my previous �Argghhh�, I also sometimes speak in pirate tongues. When I�m really angry, I turn into the Incredible Pirate Hulk. I�ve got an eye patch and everything. You want to freak someone out, drive very close to them with an eye patch, yelling Argghhh! with a repeating Parrot toy on your shoulder, also yelling, �Argghhh!� Usually, the offending biker ends up in a ditch on the side of the road, shivering in fear. Priceless.
Don�t make me angry. You won�t like me when I�m angry.
And what�s up with their sign language crap? (What am I Jerry Seinfeld?) Do they really think that they are doing the world any good with their hand-signing for which way they are going to turn? Don�t they realize that by making their signs, it really only confuses us in our cars and trucks? I�m always like, �Wait. He�s got his left arm in the air at a 74 degree angle. Does this mean he is going to make a left hand turn at the fork in the road?� I�m thinking about asking Heather Whitestone, our dear, former Miss America, to join me for my commute to figure out what these ninnies are trying to tell me. They�re better off using Morse Code with me than their silly attempt at waving their arms.
Quit trying to tell us stuff with sign language and do what we all did as kids� Look for an opening and go for it. Don�t they realize that they are making everyone crazy with their own language? Don�t they realize that we are in America, where all we speak is Horn? I found the only thing that works. I always assume that they are waving me around. No matter what they were intending to do before, I think you can figure out who yields to whom. Awww yeaaahhhh. Who�s your Daddy? Of course, this usually ends up with them communicating with the one piece of sign language that I do understand.
It really bothers me that bikers love to pretend that they are cars. The one road I take has a 4-way stop sign and the bike-riding nation all feel the need to get in line with the rest of the cars, one after another, alternating with cars as to when they will �go�. Are you kidding me? You are on a bike! As I see it, there are very few benefits (aside from getting your skinny asses into shape so you could kick my ass if I wasn�t in a truck) to riding a bike. Why not take advantage of the one that you have�. You can ride up on the shoulder, passing all of the cars in a line and make your way to the front of the line. Nobody in a car will mind. Believe me. Just don�t take my spot at that intersection.
It always ends up that there is some deranged biker in front of me waiting to get across the 4-way stop. Since he takes a turn as if he were a car, I always end up behind two grandmothers that go between the time the he went through the intersection went and I go. And since our biker friends seem to think that they are the same as a car, riding too far off the shoulder, Granny is always a little scared to pass him. Damn you. Damn you to hell!!! Hell or the Freeway� Either way� Damn you!
Here�s another thing that annoys the living smack out of me about these bikers in rush hour. You couldn�t find another time to ride your bike? Those bastards rub me the wrong way by riding their bikes while I�m trying to make my way home from friggin work. I get into work pretty early (7:00-7:30) so I can leave at a reasonable hour (5:30-6:00). These bastards are all like, �Look at me. I�m exercising and slowing you down on your way home. I�ve already been home for an hour and I�m out riding my bike.� Dicks.
Listen, I admire people who are bike-riders for getting out there and doing something to improve their physical fitness. Lord knows I should be doing quite a bit more of it myself. It�s just that they LOVELOVELOVE to let the world know about their fit little bodies. (I say �fit little bodies� because when is the last time you saw a really fat guy riding his bike, especially in rush hour. If Fat Bastard is using a bike for exercise, it is stationed right in front of his TV, within 5 paces of the dozen Krispy Kremes on the counter or he is riding in the dark, when nobody can see him) Is it really necessary to wear the clothes that leave absolutely NOTHING to the imagination?
I understand the concept of wind resistance quite well, but these people take it to a completely unnecessary level. However, I rode my bike at significantly high speeds as a kid and I can tell you that I don�t remember one time when I thought, �You know what? These jeans are slowing me down. If I had a pair of shorts on that hugged Little Man tight enough to make Richard Simmons proud, I could probably go another 0.000001 miles per hour faster. It would certainly be worth the ridicule� If the people I saw biking were in training for the Olympics, that would be one thing. Most of these morons are only riding a few miles a day to keep their egos high by bragging that they rode 70,121 miles last week. What a bunch of tools. (And I know they are tools, because they put every excruciating detail of their tool on display for everyone to enjoy.)
If you were actually riding a bike for exercise, wouldn�t it be a bit better to have a little extra drag on your ride? You�d actually get a little more exercise and the rest of us could feel a little more comfortable around you when we don�t have to be subjected to the equivalent of a full-monty, with your twig and berries staring at us. There�s not much worse than having to stare at the sweaty man-ass in spandex taking up half the road when all I want to do is get home, eat a high-fat, high-carb dinner and watch the Simpsons.
By the way... If you're a hot girl, disregard everything I just wrote.
5:01 p.m. - 2004-08-04
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