bigpimpinmba's Diaryland Diary
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Midnight Snack
My wife and I were up in the middle of the night, being dragged from our bed by that screaming creature we call our daughter. She definitely likes to keep us on our toes.
Since my wife is breastfeeding our baby, there is really no �your turn� to our middle-of-the-night routine. Since I am such a kick-ass husband, I do what I can to help out by dragging my groggy ass out of bed and change her diaper before handing my daughter off to my wife�s anxiously awaiting boob. It�s the least I can do, since I can�t seem to lactate even a little bit, even if I squeeze really hard.
Changing diapers in a very poorly lit room, while still half asleep is always a challenge. If he�s not paying particularly close attention in the dim light, Daddy�s phalanges can end up with a little bit of mustard spread on them. Ughh� Mustard-fingers in the middle of the night is always a certain recipe for a lesson in egregious swearing for my daughter. It�s a treat to try to open the wipes, not spread the wealth of poopy to other objects and clothes around and keep the binkie in Katie�s mouth while trying to get the Gulden�s off my fingers. I digress�
On a normal weeknight, when I have to get up for work, I hand my baby off to find comfort in my wife�s bra, throw a jealous look over my shoulder at someone else enjoying time with my wife�s funbags, and it�s back to bed for Daddy. On the weekends, however, I will often keep my wife company during feeding times and then will take the baby from her so that she can get a little more rest.
It is on the weekends, when we are up together and absolutely punch-drunk giddy in the middle of the night, when we have some of the funniest conversations. Here�s a peek into one of our late night conversations:
Often, even if it is only an hour after we went to bed and we both had 5-scoop ice cream Sundays, a sleeve of Oreos and a side of beef right before bed, we feel like we are stah-vin. This is why my wife keeps a little stash of graham crackers in the little drawer next to her rocker/glider thingy. Graham crackers rarely cut it for this man, though.
I decide that I am starving for something sweet, so I say, �Man, I am all sorts of hankerin for some Fun Dip.� My wife says, �Shut up. Now I�m stahvin for Fun Dip.�
Fun Dip? Where did that come from? So our conversation turned to childhood snacks and the �What the hell were our parents thinking letting us eat that stuff?� topics.
Look at the packaging. Those kids are lovin� them some Fun Dip.
Seriously. Fun Dip had to be the most insane snack that our parents ever let us have. Just take a second to think about what Fun Dip (aka Lik-M-Aid) actually was�
� 3 packets of Kool Aid drink mix in 3 different flavors to eat. There was a reason it was called Lik-M-Aid. If you took each flavor packet and dumped it into water, you would have a glass of Kool-Aid.
� If it wasn�t bad enough that we were given three small bags of flavored sugar to eat, the fine makers of Fun Dip had to figure out a way to eat the Kool-Aid most effectively.
� Did they give us a spoon? Hell no. The fine inventors at Lik-M-Aid said, �If we�re going to do this right, what could we use as the vehicle to deliver the sugary goodness of drink mix to the mouths of little diabetics in wait? We need to go all out. We�ll make a stick out of compressed sugar that they will have to lick to get the flavored sugar out of the bag. I mean, what else could you use?�
When I ate Fun Dip as a kid, those sugar sticks NEVER EVER made it to the end of the three pouches of Kool Aid mix. I was like that stupid little owl in the Tootsie Pop commercials, making it through about three licks before laying into that stick of sugary health. I have vivid memories of wetting my finger to dig out every last bit of sugar powder from the corners of each of the pouches, in lieu of the sugarstick. When I had gotten every possible bit of sugar out of those pouches, it was time to rip the bag open along the seams and lick the last bit out of the bag. What a rush!
And my parents wondered where I ever got the idea to simply open the canisters of Kool Aid and Quik and simply eat them out of the containers with a slightly wet finger. Disgusting, I know. Have I been known to do the same thing now that I�m a so-called �adult�? You betcha.
Pixie Stix
The kissing cousin to Fun Dip was most assuredly Pixie Stix. The inventors of Pixie Stix were all like, �Screw the sugar stick. Screw making drinks from it. We need a way to get Kool-Aid drink mix into kids quicker. We need to find a way to let them dump it straight into their stomachs so it can get into their blood stream even quicker.� There is a rumor on the internet that the Kool Aid Man filed an application with the FDA to sell an injectable version, but it was never approved.
Crack open a stick, pour it in your mouth and feel the diabetic shock kick in. Sweet!
I mean, were these people serious, giving this crystalline crack to kids? Of course, there would be that insane kid on your Little League team who tried to be cool and snort the Pixie Stix. Then, he would end up falling on the ground, barely able to breathe, coughing and blowing his nose, while everyone stood around him and laughed. Good times.
Pez.
I never understood how anyone could make the package of Pez last any longer than 1 minute 24 seconds. If I even took the time to load the stupid candy into the Pez dispenser, I was pumping those bad boys out of the front of the giant Mighty Mouse head like the cowboys cocking their six-shooters in old westerns. I would scoff at all the kids who would eat one of those Pez candies at a time. Are you kidding me? That is a tease. One Pez. Pshhhh. Gets to steppin�
I would just about slap anyone who would offer me a single Pez, because they should know that I was going to knock them on their ass and eat whatever they had left in that dispenser. I didn�t give a rat�s ass about the stupid dispensers. The dispensers were for girls and girly boys to collect. The dispenser was only a slight deterrent to not putting the whole package of Pez into my mouth at once. (Believe me, it�s been done� and not in the too distant past.
Pop Rocks
Oh good God.
The strange feeling on your tongue.
The rumors: Mikey from the Life commercials died by eating Pop Rocks and drinking Pepsi. Birds would explode and fall from the sky from eating Pop Rocks.
Flavored Sugar that exploded. I don�t think that there has ever been a more brilliant idea. Ever. With all of the rumors about Pop Rocks, there was always the air of excitement when you ate them.
Who doesn�t remember putting Pop Rocks on your tongue and sticking it out for the whole world to hear? Didn�t you feel like the coolest kid around when you had some Pop Rocks playing a concert on your tongue? Those little nuggets never lasted long enough, though.
I need Pop Rocks right now.
Big League Chew
Has there ever been a more-wrong marketing campaign in the history of the world? (I mean except for the Just Say No campaign that I wrote about)
This is a gum that comes in shredded form so that young children could feel like the tobaccey-chewin� baseball player that they idolized. It even came in a pouch. Although I can�t find any evidence, I swear that Philip-Morris had a hand in this product. I can�t believe that no parents objected to this product. Not that I�m complaining, because damn did I feel cool eating gum that was like chewin-tobbacey. I�d have that crap wadded in my cheek, drooling on myself because I couldn�t even close my mouth from all of the gum in my cheek. If someone introduced this product today, I can�t even imagine the uproar that would be stirred up. Oy Vay.
I sit here typing, wondering why I could never sit still in school and now have adult ADD.
What was I saying again?
Oh yeah. Poopy diapers�
4:01 p.m. - 2004-07-30
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