bigpimpinmba's Diaryland Diary
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O and A, Cake and Toilet fun
Now that I got the previous entry out of the way, on to bigger and better things.
I hope.
This week, Opie and Anthony have arrived back on my XM Radio, making my commute much more bearable. While some people may claim that they are merely Howard Stern ripoffs, I find them to be a lot funnier and more original than Howard is. And now that they are on XM, they have a lot more creative freedoms, since they will now fall outside of FCC guidelines, so they are able to talk about a lot more than they were able to on terrestrial radio.
I like to laugh. A lot. So, having O&A back on the radio is a very good thing. Welcome back boys. (They were on a 2-year hiatus after they were fired from their previous job at WNEW in New York when a contest that they had went a little too far)
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Anyway, Cake�s new CD, Pressure Chief came out on Tuesday. Since they�re my favorite band and they went through all the trouble of coming up with original music and recording it and making it sound nice, I figured that I�d do something novel these days and actually pay for their work by pre-ordering the CD. Call me crazy. My review: I�m never a huge fan of their albums when I first listen to them, but they always grow on me, so I�m hoping it is the same for this CD. Although it�s good, it�s definitely not their best. I recommend Fashion Nugget very highly. It�s the album with �The Distance� and �I Will Survive on it. Probably my favorite all-time album.
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I�ve made a rather startling discovery in my back yard. Bug Pornography.
The stars of the bug pornography world have apparently descended upon my back yard to film their latest feature. I went on poop patrol this past Saturday. (I�ve got two dogs and a fenced in yard. You can probably stretch the imagination to figure out what poop patrol is from that).
As I walked into my yard, thousands of these little bastards
come flying up out of the grass, looking confused with their hair messed up, hastily throwing clothes on. My entire yard smelled of sex. Disgusting. I don�t have a picture, but some of the little varmints didn�t even bother to stop their little mating ritual, even as I was chasing them with a giant can of Flying Insect Killer Death Spray. Horny little bastards. Sometimes, the fluff girl would even be called in for an insect threesome. They just can�t get enough of each other.
In addition to getting their swerve on while lying on the ground, some of them would even take their act airborne. It was really quite amazing to behold. All you can see is a bunch of legs wrapped around each other while flying through the air. I�d love to be able to throw an airborne move into my repertoire. Although it may get a little tough, considering we have ceiling fans in almost every room in the house. We�d probably have to take the Jimmy �Superfly� Snooka move outdoors for safety.
Mental note: When attempting flyin� lovin�, be sure to check the ceiling for fans and super hot lights or you could end up with lots of lovin� lacerations.
I have to admit that some of those long-legged beauties really caught my eye. However, I was quite shocked to learn that the insect pornography industry has obviously been involved in some enhancement.
How does she even fly? Doesn�t she know that she looks ridiculous?
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It�s pretty funny when I do stupid stuff. I had a rubber band in my hand when I went in the bathroom to pee. Since I�m a guy and I stand up while relieving my bladder, there is a nice, open target below me, just begging me to drop something into it. I think you can see where this is headed�.
Yep, you guessed it. Next scene� Rubber band floating in the toilet and Bigpimp let�s out a quiet, �F*#K!� to let the toilet know his displeasure with it�s good catch.
What do you do? I can�t in good conscience just try to flush a piece of floating rubber down the toilet, potentially clogging the entire bathroom that brings me so much relief throughout the day. That means I�m either sticking my hand in there (not even an option. I�d rather risk clogging the toilet and having it spill out over the top of the bowl) or get something to fish it out with. Damn work bathrooms and your lack of good tools!!! I�ll just say that I got the rubber band out without touching the water with my hand in any way, but I wouldn�t want to handle that door stop that can be screwed out of the wall. I�m just sayin�.
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Reminds me of another awful toilet story from my youth.
I was about 10 or so. We were at a family Christmas party at my Aunt�s house in Long Island. My cousins and I left the party and went to the corner store, where they introduced me to Runts, which were basically little flavored sugar nuggets. I polished off way too many of those bad boys and wasn�t feeling so good when we got back to Aunt Regina�s house. (I think I had a stomach bug as well).
Mmmmmm Nerds!
I remember kinda sitting on the floor by my parents when the urge came.
Stomach muscles were deciding to reverse engines. The wave of nausea hit as I walked quickly to the bathroom and then broke into a full sprint as I was sure that I might not be able to hold in my regurgitation of sugary goodness.
I made it to the bathroom, turned the handle (I�m thinking, �Thank God it�s open�), busted open the door and headed for the toilet.
Where my cousin Tommy was happily sitting and dropping a health deuce.
There was quite a look of shock, surprise and horror on his face as I couldn�t stop myself as I rushed toward him where I puked in his lap. (Then remembering� Oh yeah, this is an old house without those modern door locks on it!)
Why didn�t I make a last-ditch effort to aim for the sink? I�m not sure. It all happened so fast. All I know is that I was set on hitting that toilet, regardless of what was in my way.
You don�t get much more uncomfortable than having to face your cousin after you just interrupted his dump by depositing a stomach-full of puke on his lap.
I can barely even look at Nerds or Tommy without laughing and getting a little bit nauseous anymore. Good times.
12:47 p.m. - 2004-10-08
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