bigpimpinmba's Diaryland Diary
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Spousal fights lead to spam
Hi everyone!!!!
Wow. This place has really gone to shit, now hasn�t it?
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My wife and I got into a fight the other night. It was one of those fights where you are just pissed at each other and talking is completely out of the question.
When things like this happen, we tend to retreat into our own places and just do work around the house that needs to be done, so it is really kind of good for us to get into fights. Fights apparently make us much more industrious.
So, for my part, I decided to go and check out what was going on with the HVAC system to see why the hell it was starting to make a pleasant squealing sound every time it started up. I had a feeling it could have been the stray cat that I keep in the furnace, but I had to check to be sure.
And before you think that I�m some sort of super-ninja repair-stuff guy, you should just stop those thoughts before your brain cells even have a chance to even make it past that first synapse in your brain firing. It�s just when I get angry, I start thinking things like, �A f*@#-ing repair guy who didn�t graduate high school can fix this thing? Why the hell shouldn�t I, the omnipotent Big Pimp of all MBAs, be able to fix this thing?
This is usually where trouble finds its root in my house.
Well, as you could imagine, things didn�t go quite as smoothly as you may have thought they could have. Even with such an obvious Wile-E-Coyote Soooooooper Genius at the helm of this ship.
Not quite as smoothly at all.
If it says anything, my hockey stick got involved in this repair job.
I won�t go into details, but let me put it this way�..
That heater does NOT squeak anymore.
Nor does the cat.
Anyway, as I�m sitting there in my basement-y Fortress of Solitude of Mr. Fix-It-dom, I do what I always do when I�m pissed about something.
I lash out mentally to myself and just get completely irrational.
The thoughts in my head went something like this�.
�You know, if I was only able to have more time to myself, instead of helping with the dishes, laundry and kids, I would totally be able to fix this thing. I would definitely have taken that HVAC repair course and would probably have a side-job pulling in 20-G a month, just doing HVAC repair. I would totally rule the HVAC world.�
�And with my HVAC experience, I�m sure I could have finished the design for that new unmanned attack drone with force field generation capabilities. No doubt. She�s holding me back.�
I even pulled out the �If I had more time, I would be able to play the guitar more and I would have finished that 37-track recording of my �Corporal Olive�s Happy Liver Club� album.�
Let me just put it this way with regards to my guitar-playing and music career�. About 10 years ago, I said something about wanting to learn to play guitar to my then-girlfriend-now-wife and she bought me a guitar for Christmas.
This may have been the most foolish investment of her life.
Somehow, I parlayed the 5 chords that I learned into a beautiful 12-string acoustic and a genuine, American-made Fender Stratocaster.
As awful as I have continued to be at the guitar(s) which I haven�t picked up for real in about 3 years, my wife will never say a word about how awful I have continued to be because of the horrendous, 4-track recording that I made for her.
Complete with warbling vocals.
Mine.
Ugh.
Am I really admitting this to a bunch of strangers? Can you say �Douche chills�?
Anyway, as simply putrid as this recording was, my wife thinks it is the musical equivalent of the Sistine Chapel.
You�ve heard that love is blind.
Who knew that love is also deaf?
Holy sweet merciful crap. Can you say ADD? How did I get that far off track?
So, where was I? Oh yeah� �Fixing� the HVAC.
Did you know that Duct Tape is really to be used in HVAC applications?
No shit.
It really, really is.
After this job being completed with such flair and professionality, when the wife asked how things went, I could look her straight in the eye and tell her that the proper tools were used and that her husband is now a 15th level warlock of the HVAC Dungeon by using just the right tools.
Of course, she then reminds me, after working on this heater for 1 � hours, that we have a contract with PSE&G to take care of any problems with the heater. It isn�t surprising that she conveniently �forgot� to remind me of this right after we had our lil� �ol tiff.
She�s just sweet like that.
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If I�m not swearing like a hoar when I�m fixing something, I�m obviously not working hard enough.
When I�m working on something mechanical, I have an extremely small level of patience, especially with inanimate objects that don�t do exactly what I want them to.
For example�
We brought my digital camera with us to the Outer Banks on our vacation. For anyone who doesn�t know, there is just a pinch of sand out there in them there beaches down there.
And that pinch of sand seemed to have found its way into my camera, jamming up the pop-out zoom lens and not allowing it to move.
For some reason, I think I can fix this.
Ususally, when I begin fixing something like this, I start out nice and calm, with the patience of a skilled watch maker that might look something like a nice, mild-mannered boy named�� Oh, I don�t know��
Gabriel Gray, for example.
I might even look a little like this, perhaps:
by bigpimpinmba
However, after about 10 minutes of small parts not doing exactly what I would like to do, I, for some reason, feel the need to change my name to Sylar and I usually wake up after a prolonged blackout with somebody�s scalp cut off with their brain removed.
It�s a good thing that the authorities were able to bring me in before things really got out of hand.
by bigpimpinmba
Thanks for the help, Mr. Bennett.
Just in case you haven�t noticed, I�m an intensely nerdy dude with a bit of an obsession with NBC�s Heroes � Monday nights at 9:00 � Deal with it.
In the particular case of the camera, I seemed to have snapped a small, plastic, extremely vital piece of the innermost workings of the camera, without which, world peace and the rare, Sub-Saharan dung beetle would cease to exist.
So, I�m apparently the guy to blame for the mess in Iraq.
This small piece of plastic was pretty much what brought the deck of cards down and caused the inner-Sylar to leap out, as I grabbed the wooden lazy-Susan in the middle of our table and proceeded to make sure that no small piece of plastic, metal or otherwise would continue to sustain life or world peace on any planet on in any universe. (100% absolutely true story) It was I, not Roland, the Man in Black or the Crimson King who took out the Dark Tower. (NoGoodDaddy � I�ve just finished the Talisman and Dark House and just started Book I of Stephen King�s Dark Tower Series. Wish me luck.)
Could I be any more cryptic in my entry? Sorry. I�ll get my touch for writing to the masses back somewhere around 2013. Bear with me..
I have a theory.
I really think that the people who send out spam by e-mail must have microphones in my house while I am desperately in the throws of fixing small electronics. While trying to fix my camera, I really thought that Schlong-Long-Erator was one of my own concoctions when it spilled forth from my mouth.
Then, the next day, I get a spam e-mail, trumpeting the benefits of the �Schlong-Long-Erator�. It even had the �dashes- in how it was written, just how I would have imaginged. Maybe it seeped into my subconscious from reading it in a spam e-mail and it happened to pop out during my fit of �disagreement� with my camera?
Then, while I was �fixing� the HVAC, I came up with a beautiful string of curses and profanity that I know couldn�t be coincidentally concocted by someone else. The disturbing images that I was describing could only come from the mind of yours truly.
I�m not trying to brag or anything. I�m just letting you know.
What was said isn�t really important, but just know that it�s really not printable in this family-friendly environment.
But�. let me tell you. It was beautiful.
OK. OK. Quit yer badgering. I�ll give you a little bit�
It involved an Aardvark�s backside, a paraplegic retarded monkey, Sarah Jessica Parker and a spatula.
There. Are you happy now?
Four hours later, I checked my e-mail and I was astonished to see a spam e-mail featuring Sarah Jessica Parker performing strangely exciting acts involving several zoo animals, which amazingly included aardvarks, hobbled monkeys (I don�t think they could find a paraplegic on such short notice) spatulas, and as a complete surprise, LaToya Jackson. I have to hand it to the spammers, they really knew how to take an idea and run with it.
Paronoid? I think not.
����..
Well, thanks for checking back in. I�ve got to make like Pee Wee and beat it. (Nothing like a 15 year old reference to end an entry.)
11:25 p.m. - 2006-12-08
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