bigpimpinmba's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Baby learning

You learn all sorts of new stuff when you have kids.

Terms that are commonly thrown around the Burger residence:

�Peed-out� � When the diaper doesn�t quite have enough of that superabsorbentNASApellets in it to handle the volume of liquid being pumped into it.

�Peed-out� is followed closely by� �Pooped-out� � Said diaper doesn�t contain #2 because the volume of #2 was simply too much for the diaper to handle or the diaper wasn�t quite positioned correctly. If the cause of the �pooping out� is because of negligence on the part of the diaper installer (typically Daddy), said installer will end up getting a whole bunch of #2 for the error from the person changing the �pooped out� diaper. Pooped-out diapers are very often accompanied by a session where there is much swearing and our Lord�s name is taken in vain far too often.

Onesie- (Pronounced �Won-Zee� for those that don�t know) I never thought that a word that sounds so inherently effeminate could really become such a prevalent part of a heterosexual male�s vocabulary. Just in case you don�t know what a Onesie is, it�s basically a little undershirt that buttons in the crotch and is typically worn under other clothes, but can be worn by itself in 2 situations:

1) First scenario � It is a warm night � Onesies are perfectly acceptable as pajamas in this case.

2) Second scenario - Daddy is watching (insert sporting event or Discovery Channel show here) and is just too damn lazy to pick out an �outfit� or change the child. At this point, the child can simply be labeled �White Trash Baby� or �NASCAR Baby�, especially when said child makes an appearance outside of the house in aforementioned onesie. This scenario is most often followed by a verbal barrage from Mommy, who doesn�t like to be associated with NASCAR or trailer parks so much. (That�s when Mommy gets a black eye and remembers that she should just get Daddy a beer)

When you have a newborn, you learn about the effects that breast milk and formula have on the baby�s poop. I won�t go into details, but the words �mustard-y�, �loose� and �seedy� are tossed around like we are placing our lunch order with Fat Sal at the deli.

For the sake of my readers, (That�s me right now) I�m not even getting into the whole umbilical cord deal except the midwife kept commenting on what a really nice umbilical cord my baby/wife had. I have no idea what this meant, but it is apparently a good thing.

My boss had some advice for me before we gave birth to our first child. He said that to be prepared, �You should watch the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan about 73 times in a row and then watch Fear Factor marathons. Then you still won�t be prepared.� It is one thing to watch these things on television with a distance between yourself and the television screen, but to watch your wife going through birth and seeing the things you end up seeing really is taking it to another level. Don�t get me wrong� Childbirth is probably the single most emotional and beautiful thing I�ve ever gone through, but it really isn�t for the faint of heart. Thank God I have a Van Deferens and will never be subjected to having any of my openings stretched to 20 times its normal diameter to pass a bowling ball through that opening. It is really amazing how attracted I still am to my wife after what I have witnessed.

We get to learn all of these great things from a small creature that really seems to get a kick out of scaring me out of my sleep by screaming at me at obscene hours of the night that I haven�t seen since college. Good times.

11:58 a.m. - 2004-06-18

|

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

random entry

other diaries:

BigpimpinMBA
Porktornado
Juddhole
DangerSpouse
purplecigar
Unclebob
rickscafe
rhidundantx2
hairburner
twobaddogs
sassykk
ubergrrl
hooterville
ayred-out
Sturge
goingloopy
gumphood
incredipete
sunshine0221
chickie-legs
sock-girlie
tothefloor
samanthaphi
autumnleigh
warcrygirl
kaybiff
mentalimages
ramblin-bill
saru-san
wombatcity
nogooddaddy
bethany9
poolagirl
discothekid
drbigbeef
yeahimadork
clarity25
awittykitty
bluemeany
thenumber9
hooch21