bigpimpinmba's Diaryland Diary
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A Day at the Park - Look Out!
I love to take my son to the park. He loves to go down the slides, get pushed on the swings, climb on the jungle gyms, pretty much doing what all 2 � year olds like to do at the park. I basically run around and act like a complete idiot with him, pretending he is Buzz Lightyear or Shrek, while I pretend to be another corresponding character. Other parents look at me like I�m on crack, but their kids usually look at me and wonder why their parents aren�t quite as fun as I am.
So there is a whole lot of stupidity happening on my part while pushing my son on the swing and this little boy comes up and hands me an acorn, which I proceed throw back in his face because � really - you don�t know what the little bastard could be trying to do to you. You can�t be too careful these days. He could be some sort of Palestinian suicide bomber or something. Sure, he looks all cute and stuff and you take his acorn and then he sees that you are a gullible infidel that will accept any package from a cute kid. That�s when he is ready to blow himself up so that he can live life with 19 virgins, while I get to die with an acorn in my pocket.
OK, so I took the acorn. And proceed to pretend to eat it in front of his 8-year-old sister, who is looking at me like I�m insane. This further encourages her brother to give me another acorn, which I also pretend to eat. All the while, their mother isn�t really watching until her little daughter goes to put the acorn in her mouth and eat it because of how much I am obviously enjoying the acorn M&M�s.
Disclaimer � I actually did not see the little girl putting the acorn in her mouth. I wouldn�t let her eat an acorn any more than I�d want my kid eating an acorn. I was actually looking at my son when she decided to have her little taste.
This is when Mommy quickly slaps the acorn out of her daughter's hand and tells her daughter not to eat the acorn and looks at me with an appalled look that I haven�t seen since I inadvertently walked into that lesbian bar in Key West. Mommy gathers her children and proceeds to tell them that it is time to go.
I show the little girl that I had the acorns in my hand the whole time and didn�t really eat them and apologize to the Mommy for my not-well-thought-out actions. I tell her that my wife is always a little reluctant to let me go out in public without her just because of occasions such as this. The Mommy gives me an obligatory little laugh, although a little nervously, and takes her children to get some ice cream or to get a police officer. Some people have no sense of humor.
Next, I take my son over to the little jungle gym-thingy that he likes to play on. There are a few children in the 1 � to 3 year old range playing very nicely. They have one of those shaky bridges that kids like, but terrify parents (My son calls it the Shrek bridge), a tunnel and a few small slides.
Until.
Vincent and Isabella come to �play�.
The word �play� is in quotes for a reason. Because I don�t think that these kids really knew the meaning of the word play. To little Vinny and Bella, �playing� means pushing all of the smaller kids out of the way and recklessly jumping on the shaky bridge while all of the smaller kids are being tossed around like Quint at the end of Jaws. Only there was nobody there to shoot the barrel of compressed gas out of Vinny or Bella�s mouth, blowing pieces of their snot-nosed selves all over the monkey bars.
Here is Christopher hiding in the tunnel from his new friends, Vincent and Isabella. As can be seen, he would rather hang out with the disturbed-looking kid in the tunnel behind him than take his chances with good old Vinny.
Thank God, these wonderful children had such amazing parents, who showed their exceptional parenting skills by telling their pride (Vincent) and joy (Isabella) to �Be Careful�. As if these kids had something to worry about. Vincent was at least a year older than any other kid there and Isabella was probably 2 years older. Good thing they were being careful. I suppose that their parents were worried that the children screaming in horror would damage Vinny's hearing or Isabella may get run over by the stampede of terror, fleeing the runaway train that was the V&I Express.
Here is Christopher running away from Vincent and Isabella in horror.
Here is the topper of parenting skills� As Vincent is pushing a helpless 1 � year old aside to get to the slide first, Vincent�s mom says, �He pushes everyone aside. There is no stopping him.� Are you FREAKING KIDDING ME? That�s how you apologize to all of the children and parents that your kids just terrorized? Have you ever thought of taking your kid aside and not letting him or her "play" until they are ready to not harm innocent bystanders? What ever happened to a nice swat on the keester?
I�m no longer so pissed at V&I because I see where they are getting their invaluable parenting. Luckily, Little C did not bear the brunt of any assault from Vincent nor Isabella or I might have had to turn all sorts of Juddhole with Tiger Balm smeared on my sack and beat on them.(The parents... not my sack)
Luckily, however, there was one shred of reasoning in my head and that was, �These kids have names Vincent and Isabella. I live in New Jersey. There is a slim chance that Vinny�s Dad has a .45 and a dead body in the back of his car. Perhaps messing with Vinny�s Dad isn�t a good idea.�
After having the thought of Big Pussy waiting for me at my car, I decided that leaving the park before I lost my temper was probably the best idea I�d had in a while. Luckily, my little man was ready to go too. Somebody was looking out for us.
Aside:
As I am typing this, I need to tell you that I�ve had a terrible hankerin� for doughnuts all day. I just went over for a cup of coffee. Guess what? I just wished Munchkins � into existence right next to the coffee pot. I�m betting Vinny�s Dad is glad he didn�t mess with me.
4:45 p.m. - 2004-07-19
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