bigpimpinmba's Diaryland Diary
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Powder, Fireworks, Britney, Politial Ads, Busy Bee
Scene:
Shoprite supermarket, 3 years ago.
BigPimp is perusing the various personal care items at the end of the aisle.
PimpWife is perusing the personal care items at the completely opposite end of the 100-foot aisle.
Bigpimp shouts, �HEY HONEY? COULD YOU COME DOWN HERE AND TELL ME WHICH ONE OF THESE POWDERS YOU�D LIKE MY BALLS TO SMELL LIKE?�
Wife turns bright red.
Old lady peeks around the corner of the aisle, laughs pretty hard and walks on.
PimpWife turns more redder and punches BigPimp in the arm. Hard.
Ouch.
Thanks Procter and Gamble.
�����
I�ve crossed another bridge on my way to being a crotchedy old man.
My neighbors across the street have a teenage son, probably around 13, Jimmy. Jimmy�s Dad, Al (or as we prefer, Weird Al) apparently has an arsenal of fireworks because it seems like every weekend night and a few evenings during the week, there are some sort of fireworks that are being lit across the street.
Even though fireworks are quite illegal in New Jersey, my wife and I don�t mind them too much. However, my dog, Phoebe, isn�t the biggest fan. Any time there is thunder or fireworks, she is a shaking disaster who follows you around and hides under stuff. There is nothing you can do to console her. Although it makes me upset that my dog is scared of the noise, this also won�t stir me into action. She�s a dog and she has to deal with it.
However, last Saturday crossed the line, Jimmy.
I notice Phoebe shaking and at my feet. Must be something going on that she�s not a fan of� First place I look� Across the street.
Farmer. Dog. BINGO.
Jimmy is out there with his cohorts, celebrating the 9th of October, which, I believe is the Independence Day of Equatorial Guinea. Definitely a reason to celebrate.
As I said earlier, I don�t care that they want to let their 13-year old son blow off his had while lighting off fireworks. That�s their dumb-ass choice.
But now, it�s 10:43 at night and I�ve got a 2 � year old and a 4 month old that can�t quite seem to sleep. I wonder what�s keeping them up.
That�s it. I don�t mind so much that you�ve scared the poop out of my dog, but now my kids are involved.
I�m an adult and I�m not going to run and call the police. NOOOO. I figure that I�ll do the mature thing and talk to my neighbors about the ramifications of their actions and politely ask them to please cease and desist with the lighting of explosives.
I find that this is best accomplished by walking out on the porch, staring like a lunatic for a few minutes, and then screaming, �I�VE GOT TWO KIDS TRYING TO SLEEP AND A DOG SHAKING LIKE A LEAF. COULD YOU PLEASE TRY TO END YOUR NOISE BY 9:00?�
I didn�t realize it, but, apparently, Jimmy�s mom was out there for this because I heard her distinctly annoying voice pipe up with a, �Sorry� as I walked into my house and slammed the door.
We got a note in our mailbox from Jimmy�s Mom a few days later, saying that they were sorry and that it wouldn�t happen again. That�s nice.
However�.
I wonder how many bags of flaming poop will be on my doorstep or how many eggs will be thrown at my house in the years to come by Jimmy and his gang of hoods to be.
Man, am I pathetic.
���..
I wonder if Britney Spears regrets waiting until she was married to have sex. I mean she promised that she wouldn�t until she was married, right?
���..
I know a lot of people hate them, but if you look at them without so much disdain, there is a lot to love about political ads.
They can be down-right hilarious.
I heard an ad the other day from the Democrats:
�George W. Bush supports killing elderly people and making fun of the mentally challenged.�
�George Bush voted 435 times to support the Sherwood Forest Bill which steals welfare and food from poor people and gives them to the Saudis.�
Then there was the from the Republican party:
�John Kerry supports the performing of atrocities against anyone whose name is Ng or Li.�
�John Kerry didn�t show up for a single vote on the Senate floor, but votes 722 times for raising taxes on flip flops and oil firms. John Kerry is not good for industry. John Kerry is not good for America.�
Classic.
Go ahead and make up your own words to the political ads and giggle like I do. There�s really not much else you can do when you are being bombarded with the political ads around this time of year.
A few Sundays back, we (the whole family) had gone to church. After church, we went to the store and my wife ran in to get some stuff that we needed, while I stayed in the car with my son and daughter.
While my wife was in the store, I realized that I couldn�t find a few of the books that we had brought with us to church.
These are not just any books that we are talking about. These are DEAR FREAKING ZOO and what my son calls the TRACTOR BOOK, we are talking about. We let my son choose one small item besides his stuffed puppy and blanket that he can take to bed with him. These two books make up about 94.7% of his selections for what he wants for bedtime. Oh dear. Not good.
My wife gets back in the car and I inform her that we definitely have a situation on our hands. Dear Zoo and the Tractor Book are missing.
�WHAT? TRACTOR BOOK AND DEAR ZOO ARE MISSING???!!!!! WE�VE GOT TO GO GET THEM!!!! HOW COULD YOU MISS THEM IN THE PEW WHEN YOU WERE PACKING UP?�
This was a scene right out of the movie �Best in Show� which is an absolutely hilarious movie which is set up as a mock documentary of the insane people who have their dogs in dog shows. You will need to watch this movie to understand the following reference, so you need to get up off your ass, go to Blockbuster, rent and watch this movie and then come back here and finish reading�.
�
OK�.
�
Go on�
�
We�re waiting..
�
�
You�re back? Pretty damn funny, right?
Now you�re ready�
�Dear Zoo� and �The Tractor Book� are our Busy Bee. I even called my wife out on this as we were flipping out, trying to figure out what we should do. She got a laugh over it, but was still concerned about how our little man was going to take a nap without his books.
We went back to church and my wife runs into church to look for the books.
She comes out.
Not there.
Shit.
Do we go to a Barnes and Noble to re-buy the books before nap time? NO. We figure that we will be strong parents and calmly explain to our little boy that the books are missing and he is going to have to get over it.
Both my wife and I call �NOT IT� for putting him into bed for his nap.
We pull into our driveway and I see, just peeking out from beneath the drivers seat, a little bit of yellow. DEAR ZOO!!! And there�s THE TRACTOR BOOK!!!!
Ecstasy sweeps the BigPimp household.
Busy Bee is back.
All is right in the world.
Sleep tight
�.
I�m BigPimpinMBA and I approve of this entry.
1:48 p.m. - 2004-10-15
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------