bigpimpinmba's Diaryland Diary

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Super Baby

Super baby

My daughter has super-powers that scare the living crap out of me.

She has the power to drive you insane with how loud she can scream. I say this to lots of parents and they are always like, �Yeah, isn�t it amazing how loud a newborn can be.� Then, my daughter gets tired or pissed for some reason and really lays it on. Those same parents look at me like, �Oh. My. God. I had no idea. I thought I knew what screaming was, but I obviously didn�t until now.�

I�m afraid that she is training herself to be able to scream so loud and in such a high pitch that she will be able to blow people�s heads up like in Scanners. Either that or she is planning on enrolling in the Darth Vader mind-control clinic. I�m thinking that she has a good shot at being a Jedi, since she already has mind-control over my wife and I. We will do whatever she asks of us, as long as she will stop screaming.

She must also have access somehow to a Playstation 2 with WWF Royal Rumble on it. Somehow, she has perfected the art of head-butting at the exact right time to disable her victim. One second, you are holding her on your shoulder, trying to burp her. Whether she is completely serene or screaming bloody murder, if you turn your face toward her, even for an instant, you�re in for a world of shit. If you show even one second of weakness, she will finish you with a swift head-butt to the bridge of your nose or, if you are quick enough to react and get your nose out of the way, your cheekbone.

It�s like the spirit of Rowdy Roddy Piper has been channeled into my baby, who obviously thinks that I am Jimmy Snuka, coming off the top turnbucle. Remarkably, no matter how hard she slams her head into you, she always comes through these events unscathed. Then she just looks at you, like, �You want some more of this, tough guy?� while you plead for mercy. I defy any of you tough guys to subject yourself to one of my daughter�s head-butts and tell me you aren�t on the verge of tears.

Her third super-power is something that only parents will understand. She has the power to bust out of any swaddling. (For you non-parents, swaddling is when you wrap a baby in a blanket very tightly in order for the baby to feel constricted, like when they were in the womb.) I am the acknowledged super-swaddling king of my house. I would venture to say that I may be the super-swaddling king of the universe because people who have seen me swaddle my daughter are always amazed at how tight I wrap that blanket around her. It�s basically like a little straight jacket.

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Here�s Katie looking all sweet and innocent, but we know better.

No matter how tight I wrap that blanket around her, she will wiggle her way out of the blanket. In addition to having access to Playstation, she has obviously been watching old Lethal Weapon movies because she is apparently dislocating certain appendages in order to break herself free. Once in a while, she will let me win and stay swaddled for a few minutes before faking sleep. But she always gives me that look like, �You�re lucky I�m a little tired, old man or I�d break your confidence again. Don�t mess with me. I�ll go to sleep now, but when I wake up, it�s more Jedi-scream-mind-control practice. Then we�ll see who�s won.� Scary.

In spite of all of these horrifying superpowers, her greatest power is her ability to melt my heart with just a smile.

Being a parent, especially of a newborn, can be very difficult, extremely frustrating, and unbelievably tiring. You basically lose your social life as you knew it. You lose a tremendous amount of sleep.

But then she smiles at me.

Once in a while, she�ll throw in a little coo just to say, �You�re mine, pal. You�re my Daddy and I�m glad you�re here to take care of me. I�m going to cause you a lot of pain, but I�ll bring you more than your share of joy. Prepare to be wrapped around my pinkie.�

I�m not prepared.

Never will be.

I don�t care about going out on the weekends or missing some sleep anymore. I�ve got two great kids and a great wife.

I love my kids. Being a Dad/ Parent can be one of the hardest things anyone can do.

But�

When I get that smile�

When I tuck my little man into bed, and he says, �I wuyou Da-e��

When my little guy kisses my little girl Good Night�

These are the things I live for and I wouldn�t trade them for anything.

Good Night, Katie.

Good Night, Christopher.

Daddy loves you.

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3:56 p.m. - 2004-07-23

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