bigpimpinmba's Diaryland Diary
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Attack Monkeys and stuff I don't get
I was typing this somewhere over the Northern Pacific ocean on my flight back from Singapore last week�
Disclaimer- I don't think poorly on Islam or Muslims. I'm writing something that made me laugh. Lesson here is to never take this here Pimp too seriously
Some strange things happen when you are on long flights. Especially when the announcements are first coming across in another language. Things get even more bizarre when you are traveling in nations where you haven�t seen a cross representing your Catholic homies in the entire time you�ve been here, but have seen your fair share of crescents and stars, representing the AC Milan Islam to our DC United Catholics.
It is absolutely hysterical to hear announcements coming across in another language, such as Chinese or Malaysian and hear English words thrown in haphazardly.
�Chingdow Poonacha Vanuatu Miyageesan Speelunk Electronic Devices Emptu Etu Brute.�
Of course, me being a superagentninja and all, I know exactly what they are saying..
�I am an Islamic extremist and have hijacked this vessel. We will now unleash the Assault weapon carrying monkeys using our special Electronic Devices to kill the infidels. All non-infidels, please duck to avoid any crossfire.�
They then come on the loudspeaker to make an announcement in English, just pretending that they didn�t just tell all of the non-infidels to duck while the monkeys come out of the overhead compartments to make turn us infidels into Private Pyle on the shitter.
Luckily, I was able to thwart the monkey onslaught and commandeer the airplane through my super-ninja skills and knowledge of pressure points of Tibetan Snow Monkeys (as everyone knows, Tibetan Snow Monkeys are the most commonly used primates for training for assault weapon attacks) to land the plane safely.
Sorry I didn�t have time to snap a picture of the actual Tibetan Snow Monkeys, but my camera was in the overhead bin. I think this gives you the general idea, though.
Just be warned that, when traveling in southeast Asia, it is a good idea to have a good working knowledge of primates� pressure points because you never know when an attack will happen. You don�t want to screw with an angst-ridden monkey with a gat.
It�s definitely fun to make up stuff about what they are really saying in other languages, when you don�t have a clue what they are saying� If I�m traveling with someone, I like to squint, make horrified faces and nod along during the announcement as if I understand at least a little of what they are saying before giving my translation�
�OK, Bill. They either said that they are giving out free enemas on the flight or that we are going to arrive 12 minutes ahead of schedule. I can�t be sure.�
ALWAYS good times.
�.
Is it wrong to want to give the snoring guy next to me a wet willy and for me to be making faces at him, mouthing, �You want a piece of this, bitch? I didn�t think so�� as he his sleeping?
I thought not.
�
Is it wrong to think that Elastigirl from the Incredibles is really kinda hot or is that the 6 complimentary glasses of wine talking? I mean, when she looks at her butt in the mirror and the first thought in your mind is, �That�s a fine J-Lo ass��
Does that make you a bad person?
�
A woman two rows in front of me is watching Bridget Jones Diary 2. Thin or not, I don�t understand the appeal of Rene Zellwegger.
Stop trying to push her as sexy.
Stop making movies where a terrible looking Bridget Jones is somehow hooking up with the yummy Hugh Grant. It�s just not realistic.
Of course, there are instances of not-so-attractive people ending up with a person who is out of their league.
I know.
I married out of my league.
But the chunky, squinty-eyed Zellweger bagging Hugh Grant isn�t fooling anyone.
Just stop it.
Please.
�
Same goes for Sarah Jessica Parker.
She�s just not sexy. Never will be.
Unless you are a horse, then you can probably call SJP sexy�
Because I�ve seen some pinups of her with a bag of oats on her face that Mr. Ed would go absolutely nuts for.
I can�t believe she actually posed like this. Didn�t her publicist have anything to say about this?
I�m sure she�s a nice person, and I know that her Sex in the City show was popular (although anyone with a penis should be shot for watching it), but there is really no reason for pushing SJP as a sex symbol.
I�m not shopping at the Gap until they take her pictures down as my little protest.
How you like that Gap?
I�ll have them bending to my will any day now.
�
While I�m at it with bitching about things that I don�t get�
The Dave Matthews Band.
I understand that he�s a mega-talented musician and does some fingerings (get your minds out of the gutters, it�s a guitar term) that are really difficult, but his music is annoying crap.
There is no need for all of the whiny horns in any song. Tell me if you can figure out the annoying DMB song by the following:
Whaaaa
Whaaa Whaaa Whaaa
.
Whaaa Whaaa Whaaa
Throw his annoying voice on top of annoying horns and this music is absolutely unlistenable� Almost as much as this entry is unreadable. I�m sucking big time.
Sorry.
�
I�m sorry Judd�
Napolean Dynamite. Maybe I don�t fully get it.
I love talking like Napolean. (TINA� EAT YOUR FOOD!)
I think Pedro is awesome and I�m looking forward to him making all of my wildest dreams come true.
But I�m just not so sure I really liked this movie. There were definitely some funny parts to it that are worth repeating, but I think I need to watch it again. I feel like I�ll be able to make a decision after a second viewing and it will be either full on loving it or hating it. I don�t think there is much middle ground.
I felt like it was a really good Saturday Night Live sketch that got stretched out way too long.
I dunno. I feel like I need to love this movie to be like the cool kids, which, as most people who read this know, I am not.
�
Since I don�t get to go out to the movies very often with the two rugrats we have, I was blessed with time to watch a few movies on the flight.
The Incredibles. This movie was a lot better than I thought it would be.
Finding Neverland, which made me cry like a girl while thinking of my kids growing up. Johnny Depp is the best. I�m such a feyg. I mentioned crying and Johnny Depp in two consecutive sentences.
Sideways, which made me want to drink lots of wine, which I did, which led me to my aforementioned confession about Elastigirl.
Stupid wine.
�
Thanks for stopping by!
10:42 a.m. - 2005-03-10
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