bigpimpinmba's Diaryland Diary


Crappers of the World, Unite and Take Over

I had this entry on a flash drive that wasn't posted, so you are "treated" to some more potty humor

Nee How, bitches…

Travelling the world allows you to really experience different cultures and really get a feel for the way people take care of business and how they work things out. You really get know the ins and the outs of different people.

The past few weeks have brought me face-to face with some of the latest and most ancient technologies in sanitation.

As well traveled as I may be, I have to make a confession. I really have no idea of how to use a bidet. I mean I understand the general concept of washing your asshole, but the logistics of the whole thing really confuses me.

There it sits, a piece of porcelain with an obvious function, kind of a toilet-sink hybrid, requisite with a faucet and pluggable drain. The faucet itself has what looks like a spray nozzle of sorts on it. There are always a bar of soap and a little towel next to the bidet. Everything is there for a positive cleaning experience.

The problem for me has always been to figure out how you are actually supposed to use the tools to get a nice, squeaky-clean bung.

You can imagine my stress of trying to figure out whether I’m supposed to:

1. Take the nozzle, hover carefully over the bidet, and aim it in such a manner as to wash out the chocolate geyser and hoe that I don’t spray the entire bathroom with leftover dingles and dangles. In this scenario, there is always a major problem for me in that I can’t bring myself to actually touch the nozzle for fear of what could potentially be leftover from blowback from the previous use.
2. Stop up the sink-lette and fill it with warm, soothing H-Poo-O and then the entire backside in, ending up with a very soggy as in the process.
3. What are the soap and towel for? Are they for your hands? Are they for cleaning and drying the poopshoot?

You can see why I just kind of leave the job of cleanup to my old standby, the toilette paper. It’s been doing the job for years. I think it’s best to leave it up to what I know. I think that the bidet ends up feeling a bit on the lonely and neglected side, but I don’t think that the bathroom is really a place for experimentation.

After I left my hotel and went to the airport, I had to take care of some business before my flight.

Little did I know that the toilettes in Italy apparently communicate in some secret pipe-communication internet, using Pee-Mail. I envision it as having it’s own set of emoticons, using a lot of S’s or &’s indicating happiness from how Oprah decided poop should look LINK. I’m thinking that a * would probably be a beer-shit and :::::: would be corn-based movement.

I go about my business as usual, but the toilette decides that it is going to make up for all of my non-bidet usage. Somehow it set the auto-flush sensor to flush every 15 seconds, making the whole experience undeniably how I envision you would feel after bidet-ing. Very wet and uncomfortable.

I got back at that toilette by making sure everything was good and dry and using a lot of TP and making that bastard swallow that slug of sloppy, wet paper MASHAY..


Something else that just scares the living crap out of me…

Signs like this


Which open up to scenes like this:


Although the holes can be found anywhere in the world, I think I’d rather shit my pants than try tp balance while squatting over a hole, praying I don’t lose my balance, or faint from having my knees bent for so long. That someone could pull this feat off without making the bathroom stall look like someone threw a Hershey Bar into a wood chipper, I hope to never be forced to find out.

They have the hose there to clean up, I guess, but is this something that they are supposed to use to spray directly into the brown eye in lieu of TP? Is it there to clean up any collateral damage from the events prior? Again, this is something that I hope to never need to find out. For someone who won’t even drop his ass onto a toilette seat without at least a ply of some sort of paper on it, the idea of grabbing a hold of that hose, knowing what the hand that previously held it may have potentially been covered with is something that doesn’t even register into the realm of possibility.


Then, on this most recent trip, I discovered the pinnacle of evopootion™. I was lucky to stay at a brand-new 5-start hotel just outside of Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. This hotel was, appropriately enough for this update, the shit.

Everything in this hotel was gorgeous and all for about $85 per night. This was one of the nicest hotels I’ve ever stayed in. Asian hotels are absolutely the best I’ve come across.

Well, when I opened the door to my bathroom, I was greeted with what I assumed was a perfectly normal toilet.


Oh, how very wrong I was.

When I sat down to take care of business, I noticed the little knob on the side of the toilette. I wondered just what the hell this knob could be used for. I was quite reticent to even consider what this knob could do because I don’t want to turn the knob only to have it release a small bird to come eat the corn out of the bowl or lick my scrote clean.

I looked behind myself to see the instructions.


The picture of the naked person on the bowl seemed to indicate that everything would be OK if I turned the knob, and, after a glance around the bathroom, it seemed that there were no trap doors around that would unleash any small animals to perform any doodies, err…. Duties. And, since knobs in a bathroom seem to normally control the flow of water, I figured that the worst that could happen would be that something could get wet. I was OK with that, since I was going to get a shower shortly after anyway and I quickly threw all of my clothes out the bathroom door. (Please try to stop yourselves from getting too turned on by the mental picture of the Pimp in all of his glory on the bowl).

I finished up the normal procedures and I slowly turned the knob, expecting the worst.

What I got was far from the worst. The technology that has apparently been perfected in this bathroom was not messy at all! Somehow the engineers in charge of the Extreme Engineering: Crapper Edition got everything right in the targeting department. There must be about 438 sensors hidden somewhere in the bathroom or toilette. The aim of this jet of water was so true that there was absolutely no mistaking that there was some sort of homing device or laser guidance system involved. I’m pretty sure that the technology either came out of NASA or one of the Gulf Wars.

Needlessly, I left the toilette feeling fresher and cleaner than I have in all of my years of using the facilities.

I hope each and every one of you have the chance to have such a Crapiphany™.


2:32 p.m. - 2008-06-18



previous - next

latest entry

about me





random entry

other diaries: