bigpimpinmba's Diaryland Diary

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My intervention interview

As many of you have probably seen, there is a mini-trend of diarists interviewing other diarists going around D-Land recently. I have been honored to be asked by the lovely and talented Cookie of Hooterville
to interview her with 5 questions and she has asked me 5 of her own questions. You can go over to her site to see what I asked her and see her answers. You should actually go over to her site anyway and dig through her archives (sounds a little dirty, no?). She is a talented writer and she definitely is a must read and I will be personally insulted if you do not add her to your favorites.

Anyway, here goes my first interview since the prosecution of the MJ trial had to �ask me a few questions about Neverland�. But we won�t get into that right now�

COOKIE
You are a proud resident of New Jersey. This is a state that catches a LOT of goddamned flack about it's *ahem* environmental soundness. Do you think this is a founded bias, and are there benefits to being a Jersey boy other than living in a state that some people believe exists purely as a bedroom community for NYC?

PIMP
People love to take jabs at Jersey, but with the greatest number of superfund sites per square mile in the United States, we really do have a lot to offer. People often overlook the fact that most leaps in evolution have come about as a result of a mutation in a species, which has been shown to be superior to the current status quo. Here in New Jersey, we don�t like to look at our environmental record negatively. We like to look at our environment as giving our residents the best opportunity to advance the entire human race through mutation.

Most people think superfund site equals half-empty. I like to look at it as half full.

As for being a bedroom community for New York, I really take offense to that. You obviously don�t know about the beauty that is Newark or Camden. I really can�t think of anywhere else in the country that has such impressive alternatives to a large, renowned cities that are just across the border in another state. You give me New York as the city that never sleeps? I give you Newark as the city that never sleeps because of the gunshots and because you lie awake wondering where your car went.

And Philly? Puh-lease. I mean, have you seen the beauty that is Camden? Look no further than the beautiful view of the Philadelphia skyline that our inmates get from the Camden prison�. You can�t get that kind of view FROM Philadelphia. You have to go across the lovely Delaware river for that view.

Seriously, though. I do love Jersey. The people may be a bit more what you may call �rude� than you may be used to from other parts of the country, but that�s because we don�t give you some sugary-puke false friendliness, like I�ve gotten in other parts of the country. We may be a bit slower to accept you, but once you are our friends, you won�t find a better group of people than you will find in Jersey.

And I joked about the New York City / Philly identity complex that we seem to have� That�s something that is projected upon us FROM NYC and Philly. We really couldn�t care less. We have access to those two great cities by just crossing a river. And it lets the people of New York and Pennsylvania feel a little better about themselves.

People judge Jersey by small stretches of the Turnpike near NYC and Philly. And you know what? If I didn�t know anything else about Jersey than what I had seen (and smelled) from my car, I�d think that Jersey was horrendous too. Get outside of those areas and Jersey is really a great state. There�s a reason that a large proportion of the meeel-ionaires that work in NYC and Philly take residence here in the Garden State.

I�ll let Cookie sell you on the Jersey shore and how awesome it is.

COOKIE
This is a troubled time for our country. Our sitting president is hardly universally loved, there are thousands of our sons and daughters dying in a foreign land as we speak. It is entirely possible there may be a draft if this conflict doesn't end in the next few years. My question is this: Do you prefer your ice cream in sundae form or in a cone, and if you prefer it
in a cone, do you ever get the giant waffly one with the chocolate and sprinkles around the top?

PIMP:
It�s interesting that you asked me about Ice Cream. I worked at Mr. Walker�s famous Ice Cream Parlor in Rio de Tomas (That�s Toms River), Forked River and Ocean Beach for 8 years throughout High School and College during the summers. I used to make the ice cream for all of the stores.

I am an ice cream ninja.

How I like to eat my ice cream depends on the flavor and I won�t bore you all to tears with every iteration of answer.

However, since you asked, my favorite is a hot fudge sundae with Reeses Pieces and chocolate sprinkles (Friendly�s Reeses Pieces sundae anyone?).

However, if the ice cream flavor is especially good, I will sometimes opt for a cone. I know all the kids these days love the waffle cones, but give me a sugar cone any day of the week, topped with chocolate sprinkles. No rainbow sprinkles. The only acceptable alternative is cake crunchies (the things in the middle of an ice cream cake)

If you try to put that magic-shell dip on top, I will puke on your shoes. That stuff is nasty wax and doesn�t belong anywhere near a food item. Don�t even try to argue with me on this. It is putrid.

And don�t call them jimmies. They are sprinkles. There is no argument here.

And don�t give me a �cake cone� or �wafer cone� for hard ice cream. Those things are like cardboard. The only time they are acceptable is when you are eating soft-serve (or custard).

I have a lot of stories about my days of yore with ice cream. My favorite is when people come in and ask for wet nuts on their sundaes. (Wet nuts are a mixture of maple syrup and walnuts as a topping. Personnally, I don�t� think this belonged anywhere near ice cream, but whatever..) I�m not sure if there was any time that someone asked for wet nuts on their sundae that I didn�t want to teabag their order and hand it to them.

COOKIE
You seem like a very breadwinner-y kind of guy. How do you feel about the traditional nuclear family roles of Man=works and shows no emotion and Woman=takes care of the children and home and drinks to take away the dullness of her dreary existence?

PIMP
You are absolutely correct. I am a VERY breadwinner-y type of guy. I will NEVER pass up an opportunity to win bread. Although, it is becoming almost impossible to find someone who is willing to engage in wagering or sporting activities where you are betting with bread as a currency. There are some traveling carnivals that cater to my breadwinning nature, but they only come around about twice a year and it is impossible to be sure that I will win enough bread to last the entire year, so I am usually forced to buy bread at the grocery store and lie to my family and told them that I had won that bread. I am a disgrace to all breadwinners.

I am all about the nuclear family and rarely show emotion except to step up and scream at my kids for not showing me proper respect and beat my wife when my food is cold when I walk through the door. If she needs to drink to get through the day, so be it.

Actually, Mrs. Pimp and I have been blessed to have grown up in a nuclear families where our parents were able to �swing it� on a single salary. We both feel that, as long as we can continue to afford it, it is best for our kids to have Mrs. Pimp stay home to take care of them. My wife is an awesome teacher and role model to our kids and I am lucky to have her as my wife and the mother of my children.

COOKIE
In the grand scheme of things, you're relatively new to this whole D-Land scene. What attracted you here in the first place, and why do you think blogging continues to be so popular? Also, why do you think the "funny" diaries tend to attract more readers than the dramatic ones?

PIMP
I got here the same way that many of the people I�ve �met� here have�. Through Senor Pork Tornado. I read his album covers entry and began poking around his site and reading some of the stuff that he had written and laughing my ass off.

Although could never do what he does, I thought, with a couple of kids and a sense of humor, I could probably write some stuff and make people laugh too. I hope that some people get a chuckle here and there when the click on over to this sorry-ass excuse for a website�. And with all of the reminders from Andrew that my Gold Membership is just about up, I now realize that I will have written nonsense for 1 whole year next month.

I think that blogging is popular because it is another way for people to express themselves and be recognized for it. Take me, for example� There is no way in hell I would ever be able to keep up a real journal. I would never get enough out of writing to a stupid book. I need people to provide me with feedback, whether it is through comments, notes or adding me to their favorites. I appreciate it all and thank all of you who are nice enough to stop by and reinforce this moronic endeavor that I�ve undertaken.

The �funny� sites are more popular because poetry sucks and nobody wants to hear other people�s crap. We all have enough crap in our own lives that we don�t really want to hear about other people�s misery. If we wanted to do that, the Cure would be more popular. (And I do like the Cure quite a bit). People want to be entertained and want a laugh to break up their day. A little bit of misery every now and then is OK, but enough already with some of that crap. (I�m not saying this to anyone on my favorites, by the way�.)

COOKIE
You are very family oriented, and it would appear that you plan on expanding your family even more. Would you like to save your wife the effort and adopt and fund the music career of a 24 year old party girl who makes a very lovely osso bucco? Alternatively, you could just join me in Atlantic City this summer for a crazy day trip, and that way you won't have to be legally
responsible for any of my debt.

PIMP:
My question to you is this: Could you become the next Celestine Tate Harrington?

Well�..Could you?

Who the hell is Celestine Harrington, you ask?

Celestine was the armless and legless woman who used to get around the boardwalk on a gurney and play Amazing Grace the organ with her tongue. Word on the street is that she used to clear 6-digits easily.

If you could possibly chop off your arms and legs and come up with some sort of gimmick to beg enough money to clear 100 large, you�ve got yourself a new daddy. I�ll even drive you back and forth to AC for your gigs.

Actually, the fact that you SPECIFICALLY mention your debt makes me more than a little nervous. Especially when Atlantic City is involved. This seems like a desperate ploy to get me down to AC and drug me, and then I�ll wake up in an ice bath with a note on my chest to call 911 because my kidneys had both been removed and if I got out of the ice��

You know the urban legend.

I have a hard enough time worrying about how the 16-month-old boys are looking at my 12-month-old daughter. I�m not sure I could make a leap and adopt a 24 year old girl. I�ve read your diary and I know of the heartbreak that Cookie has gone through. I�ve got a scant 15 years (I pray) to get ready to see my baby girl cry over a boy. I can�t be thrust 23 years into the future in one fell swoop and be OK with that.

I�ll take you up on the osso bucco, and I�ll definitely see about meeting up with you somehow during your stay in Jersey!

Prologue:

Thank you, Miss Cookie for the opportunity to interview you and be interviewed by you. It was certainly a pleasure. Again, people. Take the time and read her stuff. She has a sharp wit and some of the most laugh-out-loud stuff around. Go back and read her archives instead of just relying on what she was forced to answer in my lame interview.

In this process you�re supposed to write this (And I ripped right out of Warcrygirl�s
interview):
Now it's my turn, fellow readers; if you want me to interview you leave me a comment, with your name and url, and I'll ask you 5 questions that you can answer in your blog. OR...you can ask me five more questions, especially those who are new to me and my brand of insanity. And of course we can do the linky sharing thingy.

9:16 a.m. - 2005-05-24

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