bigpimpinmba's Diaryland Diary
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This wildlife needs some management. And your ballsbody, could use a little powder.
I was checking the list of referrers to this site the other day.
While I�ve had some pretty humorous searches that have resulted in people ending up here, this one has to take the cake:
Someone got here by typing into a Yahoo search for: �How to tell your wife that I like to wear diapers�
You�ve got to be kidding.
People have asked me for advice on many things, but advice on how to break the news to your wife that you enjoy shitting in your pants is something I never really thought too much about. But, I�m apparently some sort of guru on this subject, according to Yahoo!
So, I actually have some advice for my pants-crapping friend who thinks I�m an expert on this subject�.
If I were you, I think I�d open with something like, �Hey, honey? You know how babies are all cute and cuddly, even in spite of the fact that they like to drop a log in their pants? Well, they�re certainly not the only ones!!!!�
I think the rest of the conversation pretty much writes itself, don�t you?
I should be a counselor.
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A few weeks ago, I was driving and noticed a sign on the side of the road:
Wildlife Management Area
What is the first thing that goes through your mind when you read that? I�m betting you think of a place where all sorts of different animals can roam freely without Elmer Fudd declaring Wabbit Season or Duck Season.
What is the first thing that goes through my mind?
Take a peek:
That�s right�. The first thing that pops into my mind is a raccoon with a Blackberry, tie and bad comb over. He probably walks around saying bad management-type things like:
�Enabling Trash-Can Invasion Technologies�
�Empowering of Squirrels in the Workforce�
�Building on our core competency of looking like banditos.�
And you know that there are the slacker employees of the animal kingdom. However, I was a little surprised to see who the real slackers were:
Wascally Wabbits
I was also imagining that the bears probably get wicked pissed when they have trouble pushing buttons on the copiers with their big, bear fingers. And don�t even talk about when there is a paper jam in the copier�.
I think that the straw that will break the figurative camel�s back and cause a real office rage incident will be the preponderance of awful training literature.
I think the one that will really do them in will be the Tolerance and Sexual Harrassment brochure, staring everyone�s favorite �roommates�, Chip and Dale
The back page of the brochure on Tolerance:
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Seriously� At what age will I stop being entertained by MTV?
Am I going to be 68 years old and watching Real World � Des Moines? Or Pimp my Rascal?
That's right. My Rascal will have spinners, a tiger seat, a gat, personalized license plates, and ground effects. I will be kicking all sorts of ass at the retirement home.
I�ve definitely found a show that should have me hooked me for a while�
Has anyone else seen this guy?
p>
That guy�s name is Andy Milonakis and he�s the star of the Andy Milonakis Show. He has the most wicked awesome hysterical show I�ve ever seen.
If you aren�t watching it, do yourself a favor and watch it. The phrase, �Don�t use your powers for evil� has been a staple of the Pimp household. Click over to the MTV website and watch the video for �Telekinesis� and you�ll see what I�m talking about. (No. I do NOT have a link. I�m way too lazy for that after all the Photoshopping that I�ve done for your entertainment�.)
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The humidity in Jersey of late has been unbearable.
Last Sunday, it was wicked-hot and humid outside. Lil� Pimp tells me that he would like to go play outside. I suggest that maybe he stays inside and watch Star Wars instead, I mean, since we are paying for the air conditioning, whether we are playing outside or sitting on our asses inside and all.
He insists that he would prefer to go outside and play.
Fine.
I told Mrs. Pimp that I would take Lil� Pimp out and play, but I warned her that, upon walking into the house again, she would be confronted with a husband that smells like a whole lot of sweaty balls bodies.
My wife is, without a doubt, the luckiest woman on the planet.
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I told this story about powder a while ago, but there have been a lot of lazy people who have started reading since and haven�t gone back to read my awesome archives so here you go�
A few years back, my wife and I were in the supermarket. She was on one end of a very long aisle, looking at girlie things like doileys, sexy lingerie and Barbies or something and I was on the other end of the aisle, checking out the selection of Grenades, porn, and different powders for my balls body.
I yell to my wife, �HONEY!?!? WHICH ONE OF THESE WOULD YOU LIKE MY BALLS BODY TO SMELL LIKE?�
My wife turns bright red as an old lady who was walking past our aisle had to back up and laugh.
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Just a warning� If you decide to use Gold Bond Medicated Powder on your balls body, you had BETTER BE DAMNED SKIPPY that you�re pretty dry or else your son may be asking your wife questions like, �Why is Daddy running through the house naked, screaming about his balls being on fire?�
Unless you�re ready to answer some uncomfortable questions, you�d better be sure you�ve gotten Every. Last. Drop. Of moisture off your balls skin before applying that Gold Bond or your will feel like someone just gave you a hummer massage with Tabasco sauce.
NOT. FUN. Take my word for it.
And don�t think that washing the Gold Bond off with water will work. That�s like throwing water on a grease fire.
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Well, with all the talk about powder, you can guess what time of year it is�
That�s right.
It�s high-humidity, powder time.
I know that there is a joke in here about ball body powder making something look like a cream-filled, powdered doughnut, but I think it�s probably best left unsaid, don�t you?
And with that, I will bid you adieu�.
5:35 p.m. - 2005-07-25
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