bigpimpinmba's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm headed to the Hall of Fame and I expect your unqualified support (OK, this was written last night, with the intention of posting it last night but I didn�t get the chance, so some of the time references are a little off and I�m too lazy to go back and make corrections. Cut me some slack, alright? What do you want for coming to my crappy site for cheap laughs?) I was home with my sick wife and daughter on Monday and Tuesday. Those lucky ladies have been having a rough time holding food and liquids down for the last day and a half, so SuperDaddy had to come to the rescue. While I had been home, acting as the primary caregiver (which I kept calling myself to make my green-faced wife laugh) my son has kept me quite busy learning the intricacies of the his new Incredibles DVD, so I hadn�t really been paying much attention to the news.
During the meeting, I made a joke about someone using Johnny Cochran as their lawyer. Which was greeted with some uneasy glances and some muted laughter. At which I was all like, �WTF? Is this thing on? These people usually think I�m hilarious. What�s going on here?� I go ahead and finish my presentation, while dodging spitballs and nasty glances. I get back home and watch the news. OOOOHHHHHHHHSHIT. Moment of clarity. I found out that the Coch-ster apparently kicked the bucket while I was busy cleaning up puke at the BigPukinMBA compound. Stupid poetic justice. �� Did you ever notice that there are no Self Checkout lines in Walmart? I wonder why that is? Oh yeah� I looked around and figured out why. I mean, have you seen the trash that limps through the aisles of Walmart? It�s hard to go more than two aisles without seeing a lazy eye, wife beater t-shirt, mullet, NASCAR reference or off-duty stripper. If they were smart, they would make sure to shore up the supply chain for �I�m With Stupid� T-Shirts because they were all out of stock during my visit. I mean, where the hell else am I supposed to find them? After my quick survey of the Walmart clientele, I�m thinking they might be spot on with their decision of not having the self-checkout at the WallyWorld. Who am I to talk when I�m shopping there too? What is it about the shower that makes an ordinary fart turn into the equivalent of a Barry Bonds home run?
It is really amazing how the acoustics in the shower make for the best farting conditions. If you aren�t cracking up at the sound of your own fart in the shower, I�m pretty sure that you and I can never be friends because there is nothing on this planet as funny as a shower fart. I may say hello to you and we can have some witty banter, but I don�t think you will ever find yourself in my basement cracking open too many beers with me. I think that the volume of the fart is amplified because those lovely little stink-ified molecules are traveling at greater than the speed of sound on their way to your nose. I mean, I let one rip a few days ago that I smelled before it even passed the taint. Then, the topper is the magnification of the smell. How does a little extra humidity in the air turn a small puff of crap-castoff molecules into the equivalent of what is used in Texas for getting rid of their most hardened criminals? There has to be some sort of steroids involved here. I�m calling Tom Daschle immediately to look into this. I mean, there should be some sort of Congressional investigation into a Bay Area Lab Company for the steroids that a fart must be on in the shower.
I expect you all to support my farting career for nomination into the Fart Hall of Fame. I don�t want to hear any crap about the performance being enhanced by anyone from Balco. I mean, you might want to look into the Bean Burrito from Taco Bell, but I won�t stand for any disparaging of my performance during any other part of my illustrious, odoriferous career. �� I�m disgusting. Let it rip with the comments!8:54 a.m. - 2005-03-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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