bigpimpinmba's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm headed to the Hall of Fame and I expect your unqualified support (OK, this was written last night, with the intention of posting it last night but I didn’t get the chance, so some of the time references are a little off and I’m too lazy to go back and make corrections. Cut me some slack, alright? What do you want for coming to my crappy site for cheap laughs?) I was home with my sick wife and daughter on Monday and Tuesday. Those lucky ladies have been having a rough time holding food and liquids down for the last day and a half, so SuperDaddy had to come to the rescue. While I had been home, acting as the primary caregiver (which I kept calling myself to make my green-faced wife laugh) my son has kept me quite busy learning the intricacies of the his new Incredibles DVD, so I hadn’t really been paying much attention to the news.
During the meeting, I made a joke about someone using Johnny Cochran as their lawyer. Which was greeted with some uneasy glances and some muted laughter. At which I was all like, “WTF? Is this thing on? These people usually think I’m hilarious. What’s going on here?” I go ahead and finish my presentation, while dodging spitballs and nasty glances. I get back home and watch the news. OOOOHHHHHHHHSHIT. Moment of clarity. I found out that the Coch-ster apparently kicked the bucket while I was busy cleaning up puke at the BigPukinMBA compound. Stupid poetic justice. …… Did you ever notice that there are no Self Checkout lines in Walmart? I wonder why that is? Oh yeah… I looked around and figured out why. I mean, have you seen the trash that limps through the aisles of Walmart? It’s hard to go more than two aisles without seeing a lazy eye, wife beater t-shirt, mullet, NASCAR reference or off-duty stripper. If they were smart, they would make sure to shore up the supply chain for “I’m With Stupid” T-Shirts because they were all out of stock during my visit. I mean, where the hell else am I supposed to find them? After my quick survey of the Walmart clientele, I’m thinking they might be spot on with their decision of not having the self-checkout at the WallyWorld. Who am I to talk when I’m shopping there too? What is it about the shower that makes an ordinary fart turn into the equivalent of a Barry Bonds home run?
It is really amazing how the acoustics in the shower make for the best farting conditions. If you aren’t cracking up at the sound of your own fart in the shower, I’m pretty sure that you and I can never be friends because there is nothing on this planet as funny as a shower fart. I may say hello to you and we can have some witty banter, but I don’t think you will ever find yourself in my basement cracking open too many beers with me. I think that the volume of the fart is amplified because those lovely little stink-ified molecules are traveling at greater than the speed of sound on their way to your nose. I mean, I let one rip a few days ago that I smelled before it even passed the taint. Then, the topper is the magnification of the smell. How does a little extra humidity in the air turn a small puff of crap-castoff molecules into the equivalent of what is used in Texas for getting rid of their most hardened criminals? There has to be some sort of steroids involved here. I’m calling Tom Daschle immediately to look into this. I mean, there should be some sort of Congressional investigation into a Bay Area Lab Company for the steroids that a fart must be on in the shower.
I expect you all to support my farting career for nomination into the Fart Hall of Fame. I don’t want to hear any crap about the performance being enhanced by anyone from Balco. I mean, you might want to look into the Bean Burrito from Taco Bell, but I won’t stand for any disparaging of my performance during any other part of my illustrious, odoriferous career. …… I’m disgusting. Let it rip with the comments!8:54 a.m. - 2005-03-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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