bigpimpinmba's Diaryland Diary
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Black Pimps and their minivans
I�ve been accused of not being black in my comments section a few entries ago. Miss OneWetLeg, (who is apparently a casual NotifyList reader and not quite ready to give up a spot on her favorites) told me that she was kind of disappointed to learn that I was such a cracker and not the black man she thought I was.
Damn me and my whitebread ancestors for not getting the jungle fever at some point.
If it helps at all, I�m 1/8 American Indian, so I�m trying to keep it real in some minority sort of way. My mom even has a picture of my Great-Grandfather in the whole Chippewa Indian Chief headdress. It is mega awesome.
In an effort to be a little more black for OneWetLeg, I am holding my breath and making the �NNNNNMMMNMNMNM!!!!� grunty noise to make my skin a little darker as I type these words that you are currently reading.
Oh crap.
Literally�
All this �NNNNNNMMMNMNM-ing� is making me �� Hold on.
�
�
OK I�m back.
Let�s try this again.
�NNNNNNMMMMNBMNMN!!!!!!!!!!!�
As I type thsi nie akl;ewntq;oiyerhtn�;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
..
..
..
Sorry. I passed out.
I�m back again.
It is much harder to be black than I ever imagined. I guess the holding my breath idea wasn�t such a great idea.
I guess I�ll have to be satisfied with being a goofy-dancing, pasty Caucasian.
Do you see the lengths that I am going to for my readers? DO YOU???
Love me for who I am Gosh Darn It!!!! (I can�t even swear in a tough way.)
�.
Since I can�t please all my readers and be as black as I would like to be, I pretty much gave up and convinced the wife that it was time for a minivan and join the ranks of the other lame parents.
Here is a picture of our fly ride�
As you can plainly see, the BigPimp couldn�t be happier to be driving a minivan and you can tell by his distorted head which has passed through some sort of strange daddy warp into complete lameness.
Actually, I embrace the minivan with all of my being and hail it as the greatest automotive invention of my lifetime. Why fight it? I have a lot of friends who just can�t get over the fact that they are getting older and need a minivan so they buy one of the giant SUV�s instead. Although it may make them feel better about themselves and allow them to get a few more years of getting checked out in their fly rides, it�s really not the most ideal vehicle for the kids.
Think of the children!!!
DAMN YOU !!!
The CHILDREN!!!
Seriously. I know that my boy would be struggling to get up into the Expiditions and ParentalYouthPreservingMegaTank3000s that some of my friends have substituted for a minivan.
With my fly minivan? I just point the Little Pimp in the direction of the �Big Red Car� and push the little button that automatically slides the doors open, and he is already climbing in his seat while I am able to wrestle my daughter into her seat without worrying about how to get everyone situated. It kicks ass.
AND... With my minivan, my wife can walk straight to the second or third row without having to climb over seats or benches to deliver the smack upside the head when the kids are fighting. Try that in your SUV!
I love my minivan. I love it. Lovelovelove. Ititit. (huh huh. It says a naughty word in there. And I just said "naughty" like the SuperNanny)
And when I get together with my friends who have minivans, I get to talk about all of the cool features that it has�.
Pimp: �Hey Chuck, you got the Stow and Go fold-down seats in your minivan?�
Chuck: �Of course. Mine has the power sliding doors and liftgate too, just like yours. Hey Stu, Does your SUV have any of that?�
Stu: �Ummmm no. But I can go off-road and do all of the things that you see in the commercials.�
Pimp: �When is the last time that you went into the Serengeti, Stu? In fact, when is the last time you took that gas chuggin beast off of a paved road?�
Stu: ����.�
Pimp: �That�s what I thought. Just punch out, Maverick. You�re done. And tell Goose not to hit his head on the canopy on the way out. You know that our minivans kick skull and you are using your SUV as a combover.�
And besides�. My wife has lost some weight and is looking mega-hot recently. I had to get her out of her sporty little VW Jetta Wagon and into a minivan, STAT! I was starting to think that she would realize that she is a hot Mom and figuring out that she can do quite a bit better than the balding jackass that she calls her husband.
That was a close one.
Maybe for the next entry, I�ll try to be Asian or something.
9:14 a.m. - 2005-02-02
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